September!

We have reached my favorite time of year! We have also reached madness city. School. Work. Goals. Earlier mornings lol.

But I’m ready. I think.

August was a good month. I pretty much give myself a B on all my goals. That’s the best I’ve done yet. I gotta keep up the momentum.

As for September goals, here they are.

Yoga burn is pretty challenging. But that’s the point right?

I’m doing weight watchers now so basically just following the system.

I’m hoping for either or both a sister trip to the aquarium! And a family trip up to the UP. I’ve never been up in the UP of Michigan. So here’s to hoping. That trip would be more $$$$. We shall see.

And just over all be active!

That’s it! I’m focusing on my own goals. My own strengths. My own issues. Sometimes I get caught up in others journeys and how much they have and have done and I let that get me down. But we all have our own journey. Mine isn’t any better or worse. I just gotta focus on it and not let little jealousy get me off track!

Happy September!

😍

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Meaning


This picture holds a lot of meaning to me. 

I’ve always struggled with communication. People who know me know this. I don’t talk much. I can barely make eye contact with people as I attempt to talk. 

My form of communication most often comes through pictures. And music. The lyrics in many songs I love just fit so perfectly at the time with how I feel. 

But like this lone tree out there, sometimes your method of communication is just reaching air … its empty. You’re alone. Surrounded by beauty and darkness. Alone. Fighting. Alone. Empty. 

Empty. 

Hey hey 

So it feels like a while since I’ve blogged. I guess it’s only been 5 days lol. Anyway, here’s a quick check in on my life. 

Work is going well. Boss asked if I wanted to stay on and learn other things. I said yes. I have no clue what I am doing, but I guess I will figure it out. 

I’ve actually been gaining weight and I finally got to the point where I was like, this just isn’t working. S yesterday I joined weight watchers. It’s a financial commitment and I’ve had success before. It’s a learning curve tho. Today was going so well until tonight lol. 

Fitness wise I’m doing fine in my own eyes. 

I just wish I could get out more and do fun stuff. Alas, I’m surrounded by people who like tv better than anything else. Ugh. 

I’m not sure how I’m feeling either. Earlier I was filled with optimistic hope. Now? I feel emotionally burdened and like I don’t matter at all. I’ve been working on this and I know what this feeling is an means and I need to work my way back out. It’s hard. But I’m learning. 

I’m thankful for that at least. 

Monday blues

Feeling rather defeated. 

I spent most of my morning angry. I only did half my workout. I was angry at work. Big no no. You are more likely to make mistakes. Yet at the same time I buckled down and did it. Meh. 

But I’ve got the Monday blues. 

Everything feels crazy. I feel ignored. I feel defeated. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel like why bother? 


Anywho at least I have some chocolate to finish my lunch “break” with. Even 30 minutes at work for a lunch break I feel like I shouldn’t be taking. Like I’m on my phone now and what not but it’s like I shouldn’t be. I should just work work work. 

Ugh. 

Anyway. Here’s some motivation that made me smile! 

Loving the little

She’s an illusion. A ghost of what was stolen. It’s as if I’m seeing ghost of a little girl who has been killed. 

Some days she’s dancing in a pink tutu. Her pony tail flinging around. Sounds of her laughter and giggling are a welcome sound. This little angel who was full of life. 

And then I see reality hit so hard. This little girl in a bloody heap on the floor. Bruises. Tears. Fear. Pink tutu gone. Giggling gone. Instead there are screams. 

She emerges as a broken piece of glass. She has no smile. She has black and blue all over her. She’s angry. She’s crying. Then she’s yelling. She doesn’t want anyone around her. 

She had this beautiful chance to be loved. And that love took everything from her. 

She knows that … she knows what can happen. 

She doesn’t understand. Why was I so ugly? Why was I so unworthy? Why was I so dirty? Why did you kill my spirit? What did I do? Why? 

And as the questions go unanswered she screams out.

How to love the little inside. 

I don’t know. 

Breaks

I’ve been a busy bee. 

The work doesn’t ever seem to end. 

I’m proud of myself though. 

I didn’t want to give up my fitness goals, exercising at all, just because I go to work all day.  I do a little one in the morning and the last two days I’ve taken walks after work. Only reason I didn’t do one today was because of thunderstorms. 

Sure, it would be easier to just rest and not do it, but it wouldn’t be right. I just hope I can still see some results. 

It’s making me evaluate what I do on my breaks. How best to use them. And what not. I need a goal now of getting a better bed time routine. I hate bed time. I go through phases where I seriously loathe it. I love sleep. I just hate the before falling asleep part lol. 

Anyway, here’s some fun fruit of my fun labor. No pun intended. 😉 

August goals


Since I will be at work tomorrow, I’m posting this now. 

These are my goals for August! These should work better than July! 

Tomorrow I start the 24 day challenge with advocare. I’ve done this a few times before. 

Along with that I’ll be tracking my food everyday in the MyPlate app. I got out of the habit the last few weeks. I figure, girl… just track! Even if you go over your calorie allotment given, just track it for sanity sake. Just to know. Just to see. To get in the habit. Can’t hurt! I do feel it helped before! So that one should be good. 

And then I’m just going to start taking walks on the evenings I come home from work. Just for added steps. My work day workouts are 10 minutes. So I feel I need some extra. Plus, being outside in nature is always a good thing.  And I can take pictures! Wins all around. 

Lastly, my fun goal is to make it to the Michigan science center. I didn’t make it to the drive in in July, but we did make it to cinema in the street lol. Close enough. But we have a free pass to the science center so I’m hoping to make it there before it expires. Plus, it’s cool. I have been there In a while! 

And that’s it! 

🙂

Rejection


I started this book a few days ago. It’s kind of incredible actually. Some questions I’ve had on my mind for a while I feel she actually explains well. It’s helped. 

Anyway, it’s basically talking about feeling rejected. Which is especially important in these social media days. Combined with my BPD, it’s a recipe for disaster. It really is. 

The good thing about working 3 days a week now is that I’m on my phone less. I’m checking Facebook, Instagram and WordPress less.  The good thing is I don’t have to worry about what’s going on. I’m too busy. 

And when I come home it all just hits again. This feeling of not being good enough. 

Anyway, I’m enjoying diving into this book. So far all the self help books I’ve read have helped guide me. Given me a tool box to combat all sorts of negativity.  Not saying it’s going away all together so easily, but it’s a work in progress!